Admissions officers will often emphasize that they do not care what you choose to write about in your essay. They stress this because most writers err on the side of unoriginality, having tried too hard to meet the expectations of their imagined readers and discarding all of their own personality in the process. Of course, there is truth in their advice: You should write with the goal of expressing your own values and conveying the qualities most important to you. You should frame this discussion in a way that highlights your unique character. However, you must exercise your creativity with a definite eye toward the themes and points that will justify your suitability for college. Your ultimate goal is not just to stand out as a likeable person, but also to obtain admission to your college or university of choice.  

b.  'Role Models and Influences' Essay

Admissions officers will want to know if there is more to you than your SAT scores and GPA. Therefore, it is important for you to find a way to differentiate yourself from the other qualified applicants. You can demonstrate that you are not just another pretty transcript by showing a completely different side of yourself through the role models and influences that shaped the person you are today.

The key here is to personalize: Do not go off on tangents, focusing on someone else instead of the most important element--why your topic is significant to you. Focus on what these influences have meant to you and how you have grown, tying in relevant aspects of your personal or family life when appropriate. Show your strengths in new ways without restating the obvious. 

However, do not feel that you need to write about famous people or impress admissions officers by noting your family's ties to an influential member of the government or movie star. Writing about a teacher who sparked your interest in archaeology by taking your third-grade class to a local museum to see a dinosaur exhibit is far more effective than name-dropping in the hopes of impressing admissions officers. 

If you can demonstrate unusual maturity, sensitivity, and direction in your essay, you will be ahead of the game.

Well Done "Role Models and Influences" Essay

Note: This essay appears unedited for instructional purposes. Essays edited by EssayEdge are dramatically improved. For samples of EssayEdge editing, please click here.

The one cultural artifact that has influenced me the most is probably my favorite book: Midnight's Children, by Salman Rushdie. The novel follows a cast of vivid characters through an epic spanning the history of India and its people. After reading it, I began to realize my true identity as an Indian. 

Growing up in Malaysia, the only Indians I interacted with were Tamils, who made up the majority of the local Indian population. When I finally stepped on Indian soil, it was in the city of Madras, the capital of Tamil Nadu (the state where Tamils are also the majority). Therefore, prior to reading Midnight's Children, my vision of India was extremely narrow: I assumed the entire country was like Tamil Nadu. The book's rich detail and attention to India's cultural diversity opened my eyes to the heterogeneous nation that it really is. Reading the novel prompted me to do further research on India, in order to find out what makes me an Indian. Surfing the Internet and poring over atlases, I began to acquire a more thorough knowledge of the history of India--and, along with this historical narrative, I acquired a far more subtle notion of what it means to me to be Indian.

The more I read, the more I realized that being Indian is an integral part of my identity. I am not exaggerating when I say that Midnight's Children made me feel Indian for the first time. I have always been proud of my Indian heritage, despite being a Malaysian national. Yet previously the idea of being Indian never really appealed to me. I was a Malaysian, and I hardly paid attention to what was going on in a land my ancestors left half a century ago. My parents felt the same way: India, they felt, offered them nothing. In fact, they were sick of India; they felt corruption and other social ills were rife there, and they had no wish to expand their ties. As I became more aware of my cultural heritage, I tried my best to explain to them why I felt Indian, but they just laughed it off, saying that in time I would realize that India is nothing but a distant land.

My Indian friends, on the other hand, were far more open to my ideas. I bought a second copy of Midnight's Children and lent it to a couple of ethnically Indian friends (I jealously guarded my first copy, having grown very attached to it). Soon, we discovered that our reactions to the book were very similar: they, too, began to relate to that part of their identity which is distinctly Indian. Still not satisfied with successfully advocating my views on India to these friends, I began to further explore and disseminate Indian culture in school. I set up an "Indian subcontinent" corner in our classroom and eagerly launched discussions about national and cultural identity. In retrospect, I might have been somewhat overenthusiastic, but I did succeed in making a number of students (non-Indians) arrange a trip to India at the end of the year.

On the other hand, the plot of Midnight's Children is sometimes driven by fierce, negative emotions, and I had to take extra care not to fall under its anti-Pakistan spell. This was all the more important because most of my relatives harbor very anti-Pakistani sentiments. Fortunately, I was able to overcome their bias and develop a new perspective-my own perspective-on the subject.

Today, I know that I may not be as Indian as I once thought I was. No matter what I do to blend in, I will always be an outsider--a mere tourist--when I visit India. I have surpassed the stage of simplistic Indian nationalism, but I am still keenly aware that I am, in some way, Indian. If I had not read Midnight's Children, I might never have realized the full extent of my Indian cultural heritage.

Comments

This applicant does a good job using a book he read to show how it prompted him both to discover and reassess his cultural heritage. Although the essay overall is quite good, the introduction is weak. The essay would have been more engaging had the applicant started with the second paragraph, thereby leaving the element of suspense to engage the reader a bit longer. 

The writer set up the point of contention in the second paragraph ("Therefore, prior to reading Midnight's Children, my vision of India was extremely narrow: I assumed the entire country was like Tamil Nadu."). The writer allows the reader to infer his maturity and proactive nature: "Reading the novel prompted me to do further research on India, in order to find out what makes me an Indian." Though at times he resorts to overly conversational language, he shows that he is indeed genuine: "I am not exaggerating when I say that Midnight's Children made me feel Indian for the first time." Through the statement, "I bought a second copy of Midnight's Children and lent it to a couple of ethnically Indian friends…" he allows the reader to assess that he is a leader with an outgoing character and concern for others. Theses are the types of qualities admissions officer seek in successful candidates.

The student's final statement ("If I had not read Midnight's Children, I might never have realized the full extent of my Indian cultural heritage.") is easily inferred earlier, so it would have detracted from the essay had he made it sooner. However, reserving it for the end solidifies the theme and makes the essay a memorable one.

Poorly Done "Role Models and Influences" Essay

Note: This essay appears unedited for instructional purposes. Essays edited by EssayEdge are dramatically improved. For samples of EssayEdge editing, please click here.

If I imagine that I could have dinner with a historical figure or a character from fiction, I would probably choose William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in Stratford-upon-Avon in 1564 and grew up to become a great playwright. He died in 1616. He worked in London, where he knew other playwrights and actors and where his theater was. He never went to college, but in those days, most people didn't. Some say that Shakespeare couldn't have written his plays because he didn't go to college. If I had dinner with Shakespeare, I would ask him what he thinks about the claim that he didn't write his plays. ;

It would be hard to know just what to talk about with Shakespeare. Maybe he could help me with my paper on Macbeth. I'd like to know what he thinks of the interpretation of Macbeth that my English teacher keeps pushing. She says Macbeth killed all those people just to impress his wife. It seems a lot more likely to me that Macbeth killed all those people because he wanted to become king and then keep right on being king once he got started. If I had dinner with Shakespeare, I would ask him what he thought Macbeth was up to. 

I'd also like to know if he has any advice for an aspiring actor. He was an actor himself. I would ask him what it was like for him to come to London from Stratford and break into the big time. I keep reading and hearing about all these actors who come from small towns just like I do and end up in New York as waiters or cab drivers. That's not exactly what I want to do with my college degree, but I guess there are worse things. But I like acting and think that I might like to give it a try. Maybe Shakespeare could tell me how he prepared for his first audition. I wonder if he even had an audition. Maybe he just showed up at the theater and said that he'd like to write plays and act in them, and that was it. 

Those are some of the things I'd like to talk to Shakespeare about if I had the chance to have dinner with him.

Comments

This essay reads as if it were a first draft of random thoughts prompted by the question. There are many telltale signs: the mechanical opening sentence that merely restates the question; the opening sentence of Paragraph 2, which is belied by the next two paragraphs; the lifeless conclusion; the random structure of the essay. All of these signs communicate to the reader that the writer didn't take much time with the essay. A reader who gets that unflattering message will almost certainly not feel well disposed toward the writer who sent it. 

It is too bad that that is the case, because the essay has some potential. Many of us have wished, for instance, that we could call upon a famous authority to back us up in an argument. The writer's disagreement with his English teacher, as well as his dinner date with Shakespeare, offer him a great opportunity to live out that wish. However, the reader wants to hear how the student would draw Shakespeare into conversation about Macbeth. Would he tell Shakespeare about his English teacher's interpretation and ask him what he thought? Would he present his own view instead? Would he argue with Shakespeare if Shakespeare disagreed with him? What would he say if Shakespeare shrugged his shoulders and told him, ''Gee, I don't know what the play means. I just wrote it to make a buck''? In short, there is a whole essay in this one question about Macbeth. 

Yet the essay has further issues. Overall, it is made up of too many short, simple sentences that hamper the flow. In fact, three consecutive sentences in the introduction all begin in the same way, with "He." The writer should have employed some longer statements of varying complexity. The major problem with this essay is that the writer has forgotten its autobiographical purpose. He is the one who is applying to college, not Shakespeare. He is throwing away his chance to tell his readers something about himself. All the information in the first paragraph about who Shakespeare was and what he did for a living can be cut. Then all the suggestions in the rest of the essay about who the writer is and what he cares about need to be developed. Again, the reader wants to hear more, such as about his interest in acting. Has he performed in plays? Has he acted in one of Shakespeare's plays? (There is a full evening's conversation in that topic alone.) What does he like about acting? What special advice about acting would he hope to get from Shakespeare? What if he had to wait on tables for a while to keep body and soul together between roles? Does he have that kind of dedication? 

Developing the essay's autobiographical elements would also lend it the coherence it now lacks. As it stands now, the writer simply jumps from one topic of conversation to another. If he were to focus on what interests him about a chance to speak to Shakespeare, he would give the essay the focus it needs.

Next Topic: 'Hobbies & Interests' Essays