Careless Errors

There is no excuse for careless errors, and having even one on your application can affect the way you are perceived by admissions officers. You have more than enough time to proofread and have others look over your essay. If an error slips through, your readers may assume that you are careless, disorganized, or not serious enough about your application.

Remember that the spell check feature of your word processing program does not catch all possible errors. In addition to typographical errors, such as repeated words, mistakes in meaning might arise even in the form of a grammatically correct sentence.

Let these humorous but unfortunate examples be a lesson to read your essay carefully for unintended meanings and meaningless sentences:

• It was like getting admitted to an Ivory League school.

• Berkeley has a reputation of breeding nationalists and communists.

• I'd like to attend a college where I can expose myself to many diverse people.

• I was totally free except for the rules.

• In a word, the experience taught me the importance of dedication, friendship, and goals.

• I have an extensive knowledge of the value of intelligence.

• I envy people with a lot of time in their hands.

Not Answering The Question

You can follow our advice, but if you fail to answer the essay question, you will not be admitted to any institution.

A Boring Introduction

Remember that admissions officers will probably spend no more than a few minutes on your essay. In the first two sentences, you must capture their interest. The first lead below does not engage the reader. A boring introduction will cause the reader to skim the essay, and the essay will not be memorable. In contrast, the second introduction's use of detail makes the experience personal and draws the reader into the story. By also leaving out key details, the second lead creates intrigue, forcing the reader to find out: Who is this child? How and when did his parents die? How will the author help?

Before
I volunteer as a Big Brother to a little boy. He lost his parents in a car accident a few months ago. From this experience, I hoped to help him cope with his loss and open up his personality by spending time with him after school on certain days.

After
While the other children played outside, eleven-year old Danny's sad eyes focused on the white wall in front of him. He sat alone in silence--a silence that had imprisoned him since his mother and father died in a tragic accident.

Wordiness

Use the allotted space wisely and do not exceed word limits. Make sure you omit irrelevant details, clichés, and undeveloped ideas. Do not distract the reader with repetition or extra words. The second passage does not need the cliché "hit me like a ton of bricks" because it expresses the same thought through forceful, concise writing.

Before
After Mike left, his loss hit me like a ton of bricks, out of which, when I was finally able to crawl, I had to come to terms with the difficult fact that best friends may come along only once in a lifetime, and it was unlikely I would find such a close friendship again since lightning doesn't strike twice.

After
When Mike left, I lost the best friend I ever had, and I lost him forever.

Long-Windedness

Successful application essays do not rely on generalizations or irrelevant details. That is why many essays submitted to EssayEdge are returned with reduced word counts and, conversely, suggestions for additions. The problem is that writers often do not consider what is necessary to include, or they repeat points freely.

Example of Irrelevant Detail
After a meeting with my adviser, I returned home to think over the matter more carefully. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that my interests in physical properties and mental life would best be explored in a double major of biology and psychology.

In this example, we learn nothing about the applicant from the mention of his meeting with an adviser. What is relevant are his interests and the decision he made based on them. The details about how he arrived at the decision are not illustrative of his character in any way and are therefore superfluous.

Example of Redundancy
The experience taught me a great deal about sensitivity. I learned to be more sensitive to the needs of others in the context of a volunteering experience.

The first sentence is unnecessary, because the second sentence makes the same point with more specificity.

Lack of Transition and Sentence Variety

The best essays contain a variety of sentence lengths mixed within any given paragraph. Also, remember that transition is not limited to words such as nevertheless, furthermore, or consequently. Good transition flows from the natural thought progression of your argument.

Before
I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music.

After
I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened.

As an exercise to improve sentence variety, label each sentence "short" (under 10 words), "medium" (under 20 words), or "long" (20 or more words). A poor paragraph might have short, short, medium, short, short, while a good paragraph might have long, short, long, medium, short.

Passive Voice
 

Passive-voice expressions are verb phrases in which the subject receives the action expressed in the verb. Passive voice always employs a form of the verb "to be," such as "was" or "were." Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting.

Before
The lessons that prepared me for college were taught to me by my mother.

After
My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.

Overusing Big Words

Put your thesaurus away when writing your application essay. Using longer, fancier words does not make you sound more intelligent. Simpler language is almost always preferable, as it demonstrates your ability to think and express yourself clearly.

Before: Although I did a plethora of activities in high school, my assiduous efforts enabled me to succeed.

After: Although I juggled many activities in high school, I succeeded through persistent work.

Clichés

In everyday language, clichés are common expressions that are an easy way to get one's point across. For example, saying, "He really put his foot in his mouth" is a convenient way to make the point that "He said something that he should now regret having said."

What is acceptable in spoken language, however, is not always the best way to express yourself in writing. Good writing must be original. You should aim to state your ideas in engaging language and from a fresh perspective.

In addition to the general clichés of the English language, you have to watch out for those that are more specific to the application essay. The challenge here is that these themes have become clichés precisely because they are valuable and significant, so you do not want to ignore them. You simply have to find fresh ways to convey hackneyed ideas. The best advice is to be as specific and personal as possible, thereby emphasizing your uniqueness. The following is a list of some of the most egregious clichés, each presented within the context of a bland statement:

• "As I finished the race, I realized I had learned the value of hard work and appreciated the fact that I could accomplish anything if I set my mind to it."

• "Working in this atmosphere made me appreciate the value of diversity."

• "With each member contributing something valuable to our purpose, I soon recognized the importance of teamwork."

• "As the young child embraced me in gratitude, I discovered the true value of making a difference in people's lives."

There is no way to reword the above sentences to make them significantly stronger. The problem lies in the very approach the hypothetical writer of those statements has taken. A reliance on clichés is usually indicative of superficial ideas and telling instead of showing. The only way to improve upon the above sentiments would be to enrich them with concrete details and add depth using a more personal perspective.

Sounding contrived is a problem related to clichéd writing. Applicants often have preconceived notions about what they should be discussing, and they try to force those points onto the experiences they relate. The best way to counteract this tendency is to start with your experiences and let the insights flow from there. Think about your most meaningful experiences and describe them honestly. Often you will find that you do not need to impose conclusions, because the personal qualities you are trying to demonstrate will be inherent in the details. If you decide that clarification is necessary, the transition should still be natural.

Ineffective Conclusion

The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the admissions officers or impress upon them your qualifications. In the conclusion, avoid summary; the reader does not need to be reminded of what you wrote 500 words before. Also, do not use stock phrases such as "in conclusion," "in summary," or "to conclude." Consider the following tips when writing your conclusion:

• Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion.

• Link your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases or ideas.

• Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal.

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